Change starts within. I know for a fact that my life is the sum total of my habits.
So over the years, I’ve learned to look inward. If something is off and produces an undesirable result, I look inside me to find what’s wrong. And 99% of the time, I have a role in it.
I understand that external factors are a given. They play their role. But if it’s external, it means I have zero to no control over them. However, there’s something I have control over, me! Myself and whatever happens within me.
And that’s been my thought lately.
I know I’ve been on this journey of self-awareness for a while now, but there’s so much to explore. And so much to uncover and fix.
I realized a while back that there are some habits within me that aren’t helpful. They mostly steal my peace of mind. Maybe in a world where everyone is sensitive and thoughtful, it wouldn’t be a problem. But we don’t live in such a world. At least not at the moment.
Therefore I have to find ways to protect my peace and my sanity. So I don’t get overwhelmed and bitter, hating every insensitive and carefree soul out there. I can’t get rid of them. Everyone has the right to be here as much as me.
So I focus on the lot I can change, and that’s my behavior — my reaction. Below are some of the unhealthy ones I’ve been working on for the following reasons:
- Peace and sanity
- Be a more respectable individual
- Gain self-mastery
- Better self-awareness and understanding
Develop Your Communication Skills
Talking is easy. No skill is needed. And though I pride myself on being a good listener, very often I found myself interjecting and introducing a similar experience of mine. I’ve explored the thought process behind this, and it’s not often what most people make it to be.
The common consensus, when people interject and say, “it also happened to me,” or “I remember when something similar happened,” is that these people are full of themselves. But studying myself, I learned it isn’t true.
The times where I’ve found myself doing this came from purely too much excitement in showing the speaker that I completely understand where they’re coming from. It’s to communicate, “I understand you completely,” kinda thing.
However, I understand, it’s still a not-too-good habit.
This is why I’m learning to communicate my intention in other ways other than interjecting. And learn to stay in the speaker’s lane. It’s about them. Not me. So a nod and often, “Yeah!” is enough.
Learn When To Fight And When To Let Go
“I didn’t want to say anything, even though he was wrong. Cause I know I’d go home feeling like I was the one who was wrong.” — A friend.
I could tell my friend is a very sensitive person. She’s calm and hates tension. She likes to be free and always possesses a light spirit. She tells me grudges and regrets are too heavy.
Even though she understands the world is filled with more a-holes than saints, she still chooses to let go of things that don’t matter in the long run.
I’ve thought about this a lot.
Over the years I learned I am anti-oppression and anti-insensitive. I hate people being oppressed. Just as I hate people disrespecting others. Some are due to pure arrogance. But some simply lack sensitivity.
So I often engage these lots. Usually to stand up for others and me.
But being the empathetic bloke I am, I often find myself a little remorseful afterward. Maybe I overdid it. Or maybe it wasn’t that of a big deal. I could have just looked passed it. These thoughts battle the ones on the other side which goes, “Well, someone has to put them in their place.” And, “if you don’t challenge them, they’ll go on feeling the world was made for their nonsensical and insensitive behavior.”
So, there’s a good argument on both sides.
I’m learning, however, to pick my fights. Know when to stand up, and when to let it go. More importantly, do not feel bad for confronting an asshole. More often than not, they deserve it twofold.
How To Overcome Boredom
I’ve often said, I am a lazy bloke.
I mean that most sincerely. But not in a proud and ignorant way. Surely, I’m not stupid. I understand the full impact laziness has on our lives.
But at a closer study, I learned, to my shock, that I’ve been wrongly diagnosing my temperament. It isn’t laziness. Far from it. Because I know I love to work. And don’t mind how long, how hard or how stressful the job is. When I work I give it 100%.
So where’s this lazy feeling coming from?
They come from my attitude toward mundane tasks. Even though, intellectually, I know most things only appear to be mundane. In their own little meaningful way, they’re not.
Our human psychology has trained us to feel uninspired towards those things we perceive to produce little results. And because we live in an era of grandiosity, surrounded by remarkable innovation and lifestyle, we only feel energetic and inspired when doing something superb that will leave an impact easily noticed by others.
Call it our desire to be seen performing or whatever.
It’s crazy and quiet covert narcissism playing before our social eyeballs. We don’t know as we mislabel it as mundane, lazy, or uninspired.
Others will say, “I’m looking for a spark,” or “I’m not feeling it.”
Even our relationships too have taken a hit. It must feel unearthly. There must be fireworks hitting the walls of our bellies and proclaiming lightening on our faces and revealed through smiles and blushes. Except the love is magical, it isn’t real.
No, it’s not. You were just programmed to appreciate the grandiosity of life and forsake the normative state, which is the everyday stuff.
It’s not only you. This has also been my struggle. It’s natural that whatever you label mundane, you lose energy for. I’m not lazy. Not like I imagined. I just have eyes for the grandiose, so everything else seems mundane and not worth my time.
What happens is that I give up on things fairly quickly. So I’m developing a solid character by learning to respect both the grand and the not-so-grand. The extraordinary as well as the ordinary. And engage both with respect and enthusiasm. The same goes for people too.
Socialize Outside Of Your Inner Circle
This one is hard for me.
I’m very anti-social and too self-aware in social gatherings. Though I hold my own and can maintain conversations, that’s just a facade. I get exhausted very quickly.
It doesn’t feel natural to me. Thus, another area in my lazy tendency. The struggle, though, is real.
The struggle is between its advantages and disadvantages.
One of the advantages is that it’s peaceful. My personality of introversion is best suited for minimal social stimulation. Our core only desires quality and depth, not quantity and shallow fun. So, it’s peaceful and suits my personality.
The disadvantage, however, since we live in an interconnected social world, meaning people are doors of opportunities. In that sense, it’s safe to say the amount of opportunity you get in your lifespan depends on how wide your social circle is.
In terms of pursuing goals and ambitions, social butterflies have the advantage of reaching their goals faster than reclusive introverts and their tiny circle.
As the old saying goes, “he that must have friends must show himself friendly.” Well, isn’t that the challenge?
Life is all about balance. The goal is to strike an even balance between your work life and your social life, while also staying true to your personality and ambitions.
There’s always more stuff to work on, as growth is a continuous process. The goal is to minimize stress-inducing behavior while maximizing peace-bringing habits. Therefore, the journey continues.
Click here for more personal stories and a short Autobiographical memoir of my journey across the Mediterranean to Europe.
