“They treat me so badly, but I can’t stop chasing them”.
Sadly, it’s a statement I hear almost daily on my breakthrough calls. You might think the frequency makes it easier — it doesn’t. Knowing that so many good-hearted individuals chase toxic people and situations always hurts. The kind of relationships where there are constant mixed signals, growing self-doubt, extreme emotional rollercoasters, and moments of sheer defeat. If you’re reading this article, you can probably relate!
It sucks. But equally, I understand it.
See, you might think you’re the problem, that you’re not good enough, crazy, or doomed to repeat the past.
But as a coach who’s worked with 100s of people, I’m here to tell you that’s not the case.
You’re not unworthy or crazy, nor must you live in this cycle. Transformation is possible — when you have the right ingredients.
Today, I want to share with you what those are. In this post, we will look at the three primary reasons why you chase toxic situations so you can understand the deeper reasons behind your behavior. Armed with that knowledge, we will also look at specific actions you can take to start changing your dating narrative and experiencing a personal transformation.
By the end of this article, you will have a far deeper knowledge of why you behave how you do and some concrete steps you can take to break the cycle forever.
Sound good? If so, let’s dive in!
The Obvious, Your Attachment Style
The first place to start is attachment styles. You may already be familiar with this concept, but if you haven’t read the book, “Attached“, consider that essential reading.
Attachment theory states that your relationship with your parents during childhood significantly influences all future relationships. You develop a style that characterizes how you behave.
There are four broad types to be aware of:
1. Anxious. Fear of being alone, negative self-image, approval seeking, fear of abandonment.
2. Avoidant. Focus on independence, positive self-view, doesn’t need a relationship to feel complete, avoids intimacy.
3. Disorganized. Chaotic in nature, relationships are a source of fear & desire, struggles with trust, and difficulty regulating emotions.
4. Secure. Openly expresses emotions, intimate, honest, enjoys relationships but OK being alone, has a positive view of self and others.
As a science-informed coach, I wouldn’t say I like labels. I hate our tendency to fit people into boxes and drag up the past. With that said, I can say with 100% confidence that attachment theory has merit. I have seen it so often in clients it’s undeniable.
But we’re talking about why you chase toxic people, so let’s keep it focused.
One common reason for this is the “Anxious-Avoidant Trap”.
This is where the anxious and avoidant styles are almost magnetically attracted — each with different aims:
- The anxious craves intimacy, reassurance, approval and fears abandonment.
- The avoidant wants to feel independent, powerful, and avoid intimacy (risk being hurt).
These needs appear different, so you might wonder why there is any attraction.
There are two main reasons for this.
First, we love to be right, especially about our beliefs. Unfortunately, we are so addicted to proving ourselves correct we even do it for unhelpful thoughts. The anxious-avoidant trap provides space where both can confirm their beliefs about dating:
- The anxious person confirms they are needy, prone to abandonment, unlovable, and doomed in dating.
- The avoidant proves they are strong, independent, and avoids intimacy (note how these elements are made possible by being with someone who already feels less than).
Of course, it’s about more than just proving ourselves right.
The second reason is the brain seeks out painful past experiences and tries to change the outcome.
Unfortunately, this often leads to repeating patterns rather than making new choices. Instead of daring to date someone different, the unconscious decision is made to seek something familiar (often considered “your type” and hope for a new result).
Remember, our brains are hard-wired to avoid uncertainty and choose safety. The latter is not always what is good for you, but simply what you know.
One way of thinking of this is trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. As an anxious style, you try to squeeze yourself in. When it doesn’t work, you blame yourself for being a square. Instead of looking for a place where you fit, you try to change yourself and experience much pain. Notice how the avoidant doesn’t try to accommodate you, instead they blame you for being an unadaptable square.
There is a lesson there.
Naturally, the full extent of attachment theory goes beyond the scope of this post. For our purposes, my request is you uncover your attachment style and see if any of the above relates. If it does, you can find more self-compassion, knowing that your behavior is understandable, not wholly irrational.
The Thrill of The Chase (Dopamine Dating)
Next, we have the role of dopamine, something that cannot be understated in modern-day dating.
For those unfamiliar, dopamine is a chemical that makes us feel fantastic. It’s what releases when we check notifications, swipe social media, take drugs, gamble, eat chocolate, and, you guessed it — chase other people in dating!
We’ve all felt the thrill of the chase before, that exciting quest when you’re not sure about how someone feels and find yourself trying to figure everything out. What most don’t know is why the chase is so thrilling.
As you might have guessed, it all comes down to dopamine, and specifically two factors:
- Dopamine rises in anticipation of a reward (not only receiving the reward).
- Dopamine is highest when there is maximum uncertainty (50/50).
What does this mean in practice?
Simply put, if you’re chasing someone and genuinely unsure of how they feel about you, you will be swimming in dopamine.
Of course, it doesn’t end there. The result of all those chemicals is you feel amazing, potentially leading to two more knock-on effects:
- You can easily mistake the pleasurable hormones as a sign you really like the person (maybe they are the one, I’ve never felt like this, etc.).
- Your brain recognizes the pleasure and wants to repeat the same activities that led to it (chasing mystery and uncertainty).
The result?
You mistake a cascade of immediately gratifying hormones for immense attraction and continue to indulge in chasing behaviors. Why? Because not only is dopamine rewarding, it is reinforcing. That means over time, you learn to repeat the same behaviors that lead to these pleasurable chemicals. They become habits, which then become difficult to break.
What’s equally important here is understanding the broader background of society today.
We want to experience pleasure as fast as possible. We have lost our ability to delay gratification, instead choosing to get our fix from notifications and drama-fueled dating.
Returning to our original focus, it’s easy to see how anyone can get sucked into the thrill of the chase, especially with people who are hot and cold, or you never know where you stand.
And that’s the difference between toxic and healthy situations. The latter can sometimes come across as boring or “too easy”. There is much less mystery, and thus no game to play or rollercoaster to ride. Rather than build a deep relationship with these people, you might seek new chases and excitement (read: people who give you mixed signals).
Unfortunately, this leads to a vicious cycle, one that leaves you wondering — why can’t I find someone decent?
The answer? You might be addicted to dopamine dating.
The Fundamental Reason? You Don’t Love Yourself Enough (Yet)
So far, we’ve discussed the role of Dopamine and the influence of attachment styles. Now, we come to what I think is the most critical factor in why you chase toxicity — lack of self-love.
If you’re anything like me, the concept of self-love is blurry and confusing. For the longest time, I heard the phrase, but I couldn’t explain what it meant nor resonate with fluffy ideals.
After many years of inner work, I finally came up with my definition:
Self-love = Honoring your potential.
That means recognizing your talents and qualities, fully owning them, and then letting them grow. To do this, you need to accept and dedicate time to yourself instead of always seeking the approval of others.
The reality is most people are fixated on the latter, so they can’t get to this stage.
Often the missing piece of the puzzle is recognizing how you know you’re loved. Understanding this question will give you insight into what drives your behavior.
So ask yourself right now, how do you know you’re loved?
Is it words of affirmation? Acts of service? Time, gifts, touch?
Whatever it is, ask yourself a follow-up question — how much are you giving yourself of that particular form of love, compared with looking for it from others?
My guess is not much. My next prediction is that you end up doing that thing for others hoping they will send you the same back.
This is one of my clients’ most powerful insights, realizing how much they do things in order to receive love back, starting from childhood. It could be scoring highly on an exam, being helpful around the home, not causing trouble, and any activity followed by praise.
This internalizes transactional love; if I do something for someone, then love will follow.
Unfortunately, the flip side is just as relevant — I won’t be loved if I don’t do anything. This can lead to people-pleasing and always trying to be perfect or avoid risk.
The result? You seek out situations that could fill the gap and distract from your potential. But most importantly, the quest for validation becomes a constant cycle. One day you may receive what you’re looking for and feel great. However, if it came via a transaction or external source, you will need constant reassurance and think you must do something again to maintain that love.
As you’ve probably guessed, the missing link here is love and acceptance for yourself. It may feel uncomfortable, but that’s your compass for growth.
However, there is one final point I must emphasize, I am not saying don’t seek love or validation from others. That is unrealistic and against human nature. I am suggesting you fill at least half your cup first so you never feel empty without the approval of others. That you take the time to give yourself words, time, acts, gifts, and even self-touch.
Once you do this, you can quit your quest to feel enough and start using your talents to create things in this world bigger than toxic dating chases.
If you can’t do that for yourself, why should anyone else?
Putting It All Together & How To Take Action
Let’s sum up what we’ve covered and look at practical steps.
If you’re chasing people who aren’t good for you, here are the essential points to consider:
1. What’s your attachment style? If you are anxious, there’s a significant chance you’re attracting avoidants who confirm your beliefs. It’s also probable that you feel more comfortable dating familiar people, even though they are unsuitable.
2. Understand Dopamine Dating. Realize that dopamine spikes in anticipation of an uncertain reward. In other words, mixed signals and hot and cold behavior can create an addictive chemical environment we unconsciously seek. Knowing this can help us be mindful of whether we are truly attracted to someone or chasing a high.
3. Learn to love and accept yourself. Cliche or not, the simple truth is that you wouldn’t be chasing toxicity if you genuinely had self-love & acceptance. When you have these things, you demonstrate it by no longer putting yourself in toxic situations and daring to choose a higher-quality relationship for yourself.
So how do you move forward from here?
As promised, here are a few practical steps you can take today.
1. Take an attachment-style test. If you come out as insecure, find yourself a secure role model. Use them as a guide for how to respond by imagining what they would do. This will help you spot reactions and choose new behaviors.
2. Consider reducing your exposure to uncertainty. Mixed signals, anticipation, and uncertainty drive us crazy yet spike addictive dopamine. Do yourself a favor and consider ways of reducing these elements in your life.
3. Practice receiving love and filling your own cup. My challenge to you is two-fold. First, allow yourself to receive compliments without needing to reciprocate or downplay them. This may be difficult and uncomfortable but do it anyway. Second, do something for yourself daily that honors your potential. Spend time on a talent you have, or focus on growing yourself, or escaping situations that bring you down. Make it a daily practice, and start filling your cup.
If you made it to the end of this post, thank you for reading and sticking with me. I’ve tried to condense as much helpful information as possible into one post and provide actions you can start implementing today.
Don’t hesitate to get in touch if you need guidance, and most importantly, start taking action.
Make it happen.
Fed up with repeating patterns in dating? Or perhaps you’re ready to attract the love you deserve.
I’ve helped 100s of clients crush overthinking, heal the pain of rejection and become their most attractive selves.
If that sounds interesting, why not book a FREE Breakthrough Call? Let’s see how we can make it happen.
You can also pick up a copy of my FREE eBOOK, “Three Essential Keys To Move On From Heartbreak”, here.
