Comedian Louis C.K. is arguably the last person you’d want to take marriage advice from.
However, the other day I was watching a clip from his comedy special where he said something about marriage that made me pause the video and get out my notebook.
Louis C.K.’s Formula For Marriage Disaster
Louis C.K. is 55 years old and divorced since 2008.
Safe to say, he knows a thing or two about failed relationships and often leans on his hard-earned wisdom to make poignant observations about marriage.
In a recent stand-up bit, he summed up the formula for a relationship over time as follows:
LOVE + TIME — DISTANCE = HATE
Kinda makes you stop and think, doesn’t it?
What he’s saying is that no matter how much you love someone, proximity eventually turns love into hate.
And even though this is comedy with a degree of exaggeration at play, his words contain a grain of truth that makes most people stop and think — even if they’re in a perfectly happy relationship.
Because at one point or another most of us have witnessed a relationship turn from love to resentment, boredom, or even worse, total indifference.
As much as it sucks to admit it many marriages eventually fail. In fact, in the United States, about 31% of married couples divorce.
Obviously, there are tons of factors that can lead people to decide they’re better off apart.
However, even marriages with all the odds in their favor can dissolve, and as Louis C.K. points out it often has to do with the lack of distance.
But what is it about proximity that leads perfectly happy relationships to devolve into the worst possible version of it?
How Too Much Proximity Creates Problems
“When two become one — connection can no longer happen. There is no one to connect with. Thus separateness is a precondition for connection: this is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex.” — Esther Perel
You move in together, get married and settle down.
Maybe you get a dog or have a kid or two.
Suddenly your social life, hobbies, and time apart dwindle. Your world becomes smaller. It can start to feel suffocating.
The thing about humans is that we naturally crave both comfort and adventure. Yet long-term relationships and family obligations tend to tip the scales heavily toward the mundane.
What’s more, when you’re with someone all the time the lack of space changes your behavior toward one another:
You get annoyed. You focus on the small details that drive you crazy. You take each other for granted.
Imagine this playing out over a span of years and decades, and it’s easy to see why couples who neglect to bring healthy distance into their relationship often find themselves feeling more resentful toward their partner over time.
Benefits of Spending Time Apart
I’ve been married for 6 years, and early on in our marriage, I realized our relationship improved when we spent time apart.
This was easy to do because I’m from California, and my husband is Spanish which means we often travel without each other to visit family.
And you know what? The first day or two apart is pretty darn great. It’s nice to have a break, and there’s nothing wrong with admitting that.
Because after the first few days, you actually start to miss your partner.
- You have new experiences apart
- You gain perspective and gratitude
- You look forward to seeing them or talking on the phone
These are feelings you simply won’t feel when you’re in one physical space together.
How To Create Healthy Distance In Your Relationship
When was the last time you and your husband or wife spent an entire day apart?
If you can’t remember, then maybe it’s time to force some healthy distance into your relationship.
The key is to spend at least 24 hours away from one another.
There’s something about sleeping apart and waking up without your partner next to you that makes you take a step back and appreciate having them in your life.
So why not plan a solo trip? If you’re into yoga or meditation, go to a workshop. Maybe book a trip with a friend, or just head to a friend’s house and stay the night.
But here’s the key:
Don’t spend all your time texting and checking in. Really, you don’t need to.
Create distance, and let it be there without giving in to the urge to text your partner every five minutes.
Chances are, you’ll rediscover things you love about your partner that you forgot to notice in a while.
Final Thoughts
Many people avoid creating distance because they’re afraid.
Afraid the other person will be happier without you.
Afraid of what your partner will do if you’re not around.
Afraid it’ll bring up some hard truths that will need to be reckoned with.
Sure, taking a few days or weeks apart takes courage. But let’s be honest, being around someone 24/7 just to avoid these scenarios will only make things worse.
Healthy distance won’t magically fix a broken relationship, but it certainly can help keep your relationship happy and healthy.
