We’ve all been there, the first date. Experience has taught you not to get your hopes up.
And who can blame you? Modern dating is like Pandora’s box — you never know what to expect. I’ve seen people get very excited about a potential match only to discover the person is a devout conspiracy theorist, two inches shorter and very different from their carefully chosen profile picture.
In other cases, natural chemistry and flirtatiousness lead to something physical. Unfortunately, this is often followed up with unexplained ghosting or emotional unavailability, leaving them more confused and disillusioned.
What doesn’t help is not having a strategy for the first date. This only makes things more difficult and can easily lead you down a path of disappointment and cynicism.
Whether we like it or not, dating is a game and often one that we overcomplicate.
The goal of the first date is simple:
Given our time is limited — how can we quickly work out if this person is worth our investment?
If that sounds harsh, take some time to consider it further.
Be realistic; you will not know everything about someone or fall in love during the first meeting. You need a method that consistently allows you to see a person’s best parts without spending months getting to know them.
What you don’t want to do is wing it.
The temptation to be yourself is both natural and understandable. In practice, it’s not always the best strategy if you’re a regular working person with a social life.
Sure, you could turn on your natural charisma and spend an evening selling yourself while your date admires your confidence and achievements. In reality, this achieves very little but a stroke of your ego. You want to find out about them — are they worth it, do they interest you, or will this go anywhere?
Counter-intuitive behaviour is often a winning formula when it comes to dating.
Presenting the best version of yourself is instinctive to win over any potential love interest. But that leaves us investing heavily from the beginning without getting what we need.
In practicality, the first date should be reserved for one thing — enough obtaining information to see whether you want to proceed further — without overly investing yourself.
Those last four words are crucial. The earlier you are in the process, the more you need to protect yourself. I’ve seen many clients get overly excited without knowing enough about the person. In many cases, they quickly project what they want to be true and then go all in emotionally.
It’s about knowing your self-worth, your core values, and having exceptional standards about who you spend your time with, knowing it will shape the person you become.
With that said, the question is, How can I find out about them while protecting myself?
Three Principles
Fortunately, I have the solution to this puzzle through three principles.
I love this methodology because it is elegant, simple, and provides rapid results. If you decide to pursue a second date, you’re in a great position to take things further. It’s a win-win scenario, and that’s precisely what we should be striving for.
When you fully embrace these principles, you can expect the following from your first date:
- You’re going to learn a lot about the person’s passions and values.
- You’ll see how closely aligned your values are.
- You will build deep rapport and connection — rapidly.
All of the above will come without overly investing in the other person. That means you preserve yourself for when (or if) you decide it’s time to let them in.
The more we try to win over others, the more invested we become in them. Some might say this sounds arrogant or harsh. These people have never been hurt and endured the pain of recovery.
Let’s explore the principles in detail.
1. Ask Open-Ended Questions
One of the biggest mistakes I see people make is asking yes/no questions.
This approach immediately hands over power as your date can quickly shut down the conversation with a one-word answer.
Asking a binary yes/no question heaps pressure on you to keep the conversation flowing and can turn you into an interviewer. You can quickly find yourself scrambling for follow-up questions and becoming hyper-aware of their short responses.
We want the opposite. We want the person to be comfortable enough to share a piece of themself and leave them curious to learn more about us.
Open-ended questions encourage thoughtful answers, interesting hooks for new topics, and, most importantly, they create opportunities for naturally extending the conversation — for both of you.
In other words, you both get a chance to talk rather than turning your date into a press conference or KGB interrogation.
Avoid questions like “Do you like Pizza?” and opt for broader brushes such as “What are your favorite foods? This is a deal-breaker!”. The former could be answered yes or no, while the latter will open many potential opportunities, including mutual storytelling and planning future activities together. For example, if they list Thai food, you can ask if they have been to Thailand and share your general travel stories.
A straightforward yet effective opening question is, “What do you think of this place?”.
In a dating context, it’s likely to be a restaurant, bar, or event. You’re looking for chances for your date to talk about prior visits to similar places, entertaining experiences, or links to fond memories. You might consider it an early warning sign if they don’t have anything interesting to say. It’s entirely up to you. This simple change in conversational strategy allows you to rapidly explore the depth and breadth of a person you’ve never met before.
There are endless possibilities when you stick to broad, open-ended questions, and your focus should be to get your date talking as much as possible about themselves and their fond memories.
When people share stories, they also provide a natural hook that progresses the conversation organically. Every new topic establishes a deeper rapport and fosters a sense of familiarity. This, in turn, creates the sensation that you’ve known each other longer than you already have. You quickly develop a sense of comfort, a natural precursor to trust and intimacy.
2. The More They Talk, The Better You Look
If you correctly implement Principle 1, you will establish a solid foundation. All you need to do now is encourage your date to share their personal stories with a tiny difference — now you will ask about their passions.
You want them to explain how those passions make them feel, what they love about them, and how they would describe it to someone who has never done it before.
If you think this sounds manipulative, think again. This question aims to uncover what values your date has and how they align with yours.
It’s also to get a glimpse of them in their most attractive elements, discussing what they love. You’re giving another human a chance to show the best version of themselves — the person motivated and energized by what they do. People rarely get an opportunity to talk to someone genuinely interested in what they have to say, let alone speak about what they love.
Powerful listening is a tremendous gift we can offer in almost any social situation because we rarely get it. When you approach people with a genuine desire to learn and understand their stories, you both win. That person feels immediately validated and valued.
Everyone loves to talk about themselves and share a piece of their humanity. Whether we admit it or not, we all crave acceptance. Getting your date to describe sensory details allows them to re-live their most positive memories, and they begin to experience them as if they are happening now.
Let’s be clear, this isn’t about tricking someone into liking you or artificially creating attraction.
You’re on a first date and want to see as much of their authentic and genuine character as possible. So often, we don’t get to see the great qualities of a person because they are reluctant to show themselves, even though vulnerability is immensely attractive. We want them to enjoy how you made them feel and be curious to learn more about you. The less you reveal, the more mysterious and compelling you become. The key is to allow their imagination to run wild, not yours.
When in doubt, remember this — the more they talk, the better you look.
Although it seems counter-intuitive to speak less, it’s backed by psychology. Studies have shown that when we do things for others, we like them more. By getting your date to talk about themselves, they are investing in you. The phenomenon of cognitive dissonance requires them to justify why they are sharing so much of their personal life with you so soon. The instinct is to rationalize that they like you.
3. Mirror to Accelerate Rapport
Finally, Principle 3 is all about building rapport.
This is essential for developing close relationships in all areas of life.
Rapport refers to a state of responsiveness. Individuals with rapport have an unconscious bond that heightens their understanding and positivity towards one another. From the moment your date begins, you want to start this process to build trust and create a connection between the two of you.
Again, this is not an attempt to artificially create attraction but rather an effort to put both of you at ease so you can relate to one another in a manner that displays your positive qualities.
Mirroring is the foundational skill that creates rapport the fastest. If you are unfamiliar with the concept, it can be defined as follows:
When an individual subtly emulates elements of another person’s verbal and/or non-verbal behaviors
Here are some essential tips:
Don’t
- Be too obvious (copying large movements the second they happen)
- Replicate every single shift (they scratch their crotch, you follow — yes, I have witnessed this)
- Get so caught up in what you’re doing you forget how to talk or function as a human
Do
- Keep it simple, avoid overthinking and overcomplicating
- Wait three seconds in-between moves
- Adjust your lower body first, then work up, slowly
- Repeat back their words to show you understand
- Identify commonly used phrases, and start telling your own stories implementing the same style
- Look for their dominant sense, e.g. sight, sound, or feelings
After establishing rapport, you will no longer need to mirror consciously. You will notice how you both move in sync — one person will shift, and the other will follow. There will be an unspoken connection, and you’ll feel at ease with each other.
One of the reasons we want to do this is to ensure we leave the date knowing we saw that person’s best qualities.
Many times we are excited by someone, and then the date falls flat because of nervousness or apprehension on either part. This principle is designed to prevent that, and you’re taking responsibility for ensuring so. Beyond dating, mirroring is a handy tool for building relationships in all kinds of social situations, from friendship circles to work colleagues. I highly recommend you invest in learning this skill.
Putting It All Together
In this post, we’ve covered three principles for a first date that allow you to cut through the nonsense, see character, build rapport, and prevent investing emotionally too early.
I wrote this article because I’ve worked with many clients who want to find love but struggle with dating. In my experience, overinvesting and projecting too soon is the number one cause of this.
Humans all desire connection and want to pursue opportunities as fast as possible. Sadly, how people do this often leaves them vulnerable and hurt when they discover the person wasn’t what they thought.
These principles are a framework to protect yourself and save you time. Give it a try, and let me know how you get on.
Make it happen.
Fed up with repeating patterns in dating? Or perhaps you’re ready to attract the love you deserve.
I’ve helped 100s of clients crush overthinking, heal the pain of rejection and become their most attractive selves.
If that sounds interesting, why not book a FREE Breakthrough Call — let’s see how we can make it happen.
You can also pick up a copy of my FREE eBOOK, “Three Essential Keys To Move On From Heartbreak”, here.
