To cut or not to cut. That is the question.
It’s a dilemma faced by any person fresh into a breakup or trying to move on from unrequited love.
People are confused — and understandably so. A quick search online returns many contrasting opinions.
While many argue no contact is the only way to move on (an unavoidable part of an already painful process), others suggest it’s a sign of immaturity. They make it sound like something reserved for high school, not adult dating.
If you were hoping for me to give you a definitive answer, I’m sorry to disappoint you. Like most things in relationships, the truth is — it depends.
But I’m not going to leave you hanging.
You’re reading this article because you want a new perspective rooted in science and psychology.
That is something I can give you.
As a relationship coach, my clients often ask me about no contact. What follows is the same information I share with them — specifically why going no-contact works and when it might not be appropriate.
By the end of this post, you should understand whether going no-contact is the right approach for you.
Please note that this article is written assuming you want to move on from someone. If you are trying to win them over, this is not for you.
Defining No Contact
Let’s start by agreeing on what no contact is.
There are different ways you can define it.
My definition is as follows:
No engagement with that person for at least a month.
If you want to go all-in, you can block and remove them from your social media/messaging. This is recommended if the person isn’t someone you need to see often or part of your friendship group.
Some people might claim that’s extreme. It depends on how much you care about what others think vs getting results. I should have enough discipline not to look at my phone while writing. I lock it up anyway, so I don’t have the option.
Removing choices reduces cognitive load and decision fatigue. You’ll get faster results if you can get over what others think (including them).
Now we know what it is, let’s talk about why it works.
Staying In Contact Can Prevent Closure
It’s always worth considering the alternative scenario first — i.e. what happens when you stay in contact with the person.
Having witnessed 100s of clients navigate heartbreak, a massive barrier to moving on is lack of closure.
We all crave it.
Without acceptance of what’s happened, we simply won’t let go of the past and move forward. This isn’t pseudo-self-help — it’s rooted in psychology.
Humans have an innate desire to close open loops. A significant influence here is the “Zeigarnik Effect” — the tendency to remember an unfinished task more readily than a complete one.
The Zeigarnik Effect— the tendency to remember an unfinished task more readily than a complete one.
We hate unfinished business and will try to solve it where possible.
There are other crucial aspects of the Zeigarnik Effect you need to know:
1. It causes us to focus more bandwidth on a particular situation. You’ll think about it more (2X compared with other things).
2. This leads us to remember all the details. The stuff you’d otherwise forget and let go of.
3. The effect remains until you think the loop is closed. In other words, until you get the closure you want, it doesn’t matter what anyone else says.
We can round this up with a central idea:
Until you get the closure that makes sense to you, expect to think about the situation and seek ways to get the ending you want.
Let’s bring this back to dating. Say you’ve just had a breakup, or you’ve been rejected.
As mentioned, the key to moving on is creating closure and closing the loop.
Where most people go wrong is waiting for closure.
What’s the difference?
Waiting for closure is a powerless position. You’re waiting for another person to give you permission to move on.
Moreover, we seldom admit to ourselves that we are waiting to hear an explanation that makes sense based on our interpretation of events.
That does not mean it is the truth.
You already have all the closure you need — it’s not what you want.
We all judge others based on our values, opinions, and beliefs.
Just because you don’t understand someone else’s behaviour does not mean they owe you anything further. Everyone makes decisions that make sense to them at that moment.
How does this link to going no-contact?
Our cognitive bias means it’s risky to stay in contact.
We can easily read into things that are not there and create mixed signals through our perceptions rather than reality. In other words, you start to see what you want to see.
This is a natural barrier to creating closure. It leaves us constantly exposed to the hope of getting the desired result.
Moving on only becomes more challenging.
Now you might disagree. If you’re feeling resistant to this idea, my request is you ask yourself honestly:
“Do I really want to move on, or do I secretly want to win them over?”.
Remember, we’re not saying you have to cut them out forever, only until you heal.
The most important thing for you is to create closure — staying in touch with the person only makes this more complicated.
Going No-Contact Allows for Dopamine Resetting
Aside from closure, we cannot underestimate the impact of Dopamine Loops.
Society is becoming increasingly aware of Dopamine addiction.
We live in an instant gratification culture — we want entertainment, and we want it now! From social media notifications to binging Netflix shows, we are constantly flooded with addictive and pleasurable chemicals resembling the highs of hard drugs and gambling.
Of course, that same addiction has flowed into our dating lives.
When you understand how Dopamine works, this comes as no surprise. Stanford Professor Robert Sapolsky has studied the chemical extensively.
His research demonstrates two critical findings:
1. Dopamine levels in humans rise in anticipation of reward, not just receipt.
2. Dopamine levels are greatest when uncertainty is at its highest (50%).
These revelations are profound for the world of dating.
They show that chasing someone alone is enough to release pleasurable chemicals (anticipation alone is enough), and crucially the amount of Dopamine is highest when we are unsure of the outcome.
In other words, chasing someone who elicits a sufficient balance of mixed signals will generate addictive endorphins — even if you never reach the goal.
But there is a crucial point we can’t afford to miss here — mixed signals can be perceptions.
A person could do something innocuous; your cognitive bias decides it means something more.
Again, going no-contact fits very neatly into this model of Dopamine.
Staying in touch with the person risks getting caught in a chase, even when you know you need to move on. If there is any uncertainty or anticipation (even just in your mind), you have the elements required for an addictive experience.
By cutting out a potential source of low-cost, low-quality Dopamine, you are achieving two critical things:
1. Reducing anticipation. This is especially true if you’ve blocked them and they can’t reach you.
2. Removing uncertainty. You’ve decided not to contact, so there should be no confusion about your strategy.
If you give it time (at least a month), you will start to release yourself from the chemical equation.
But don’t take my word for it.
In her best-selling book “Dopamine Nation“, Dr Anne Lembke describes abstinence as a critical part of resetting your Dopamine levels. Her research over twenty years repeatedly demonstrated the value of taking time away from a stimulus to reset.
Moving on is the same.
I always use the simple analogy of dieting. Imagine you’re trying to stick to a nutrition plan. Would it be harder if you kept doughnuts in the house?
You might think that going no-contact will be hard, and you’re right. Initially, it isn’t easy. However, your results compound if you get through the first two weeks. Contrast that with never making progress and staying stuck longer than you have been.
Can you afford that?
When No-Contact Might Not Be Appropriate
Naturally, not every scenario is suited to cutting a person out.
The two main ones are:
- A work colleague
- Someone in your friendship group
For the former, you don’t want to become unprofessional. You can’t refuse to work with someone or allow personal circumstances to affect others.
Likewise, you might not want to tear everything apart for a friendship group.
In both cases, I’ve seen two intelligent strategies:
1. Have an honest conversation with the other person. Outline that you want to take some space and that you’d appreciate their support on that. You don’t have to make it about them and can re-frame it as personal growth etc. In a friendship group, you can let others know you might not hang out in a group for a while.
2. Break your patterns. List out all the stuff you’re doing now that keeps you stuck. It might be re-reading texts, regular conversation, going to the gym together, reading online — anything. Rank them on the difficulty to break, and start breaking them now.
I won’t pretend this isn’t hard, so if you need guidance, drop me a note, and we can discuss your situation.
Final Thoughts
Should you go no-contact?
It’s up to you.
If you’re struggling to move on, the science overwhelmingly points to trying it for at least a month.
You’ll be far more likely to create closure and break free of any Dopamine Loops or Cognitive Dissonance.
Conversely, if you think you have closure and there is no risk of falling into a secret chase — do what you think is right for you.
And if you need a hand deciding, don’t hesitate to contact me.
Make it happen.
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