How much of your dating life is dictated by you?
It’s an interesting question to ponder. Are you truly reacting to a person, or is your brain making decisions based on past experiences and natural human tendencies?
Cognitive biases are nothing new. Most people are aware of terms such as confirmation bias, negativity bias, or the sunk-cost fallacy. But that’s just the beginning. Many more cognitive quirks can influence us in dating. These are often unconscious processes that directly impact our actions and the results we see in the world.
But just as there are some well-known biases, others are lesser-known yet equally influential. Today, I want to talk about one that I consistently see holds people back. It’s a simple yet powerful influence that can cause you to blame yourself, ignore reality, and justify pursuing causes that seem dead to everyone else.
This subtle yet significant force is known as the anchoring effect, a cognitive bias that can quietly steer your dating journey, often without you even realizing it. Let’s delve into what anchoring is and how it shapes the landscape of our relationships.
What is Anchoring Bias?
Anchoring bias is our tendency to rely heavily on the first piece of information we receive (the ‘anchor’) when making decisions.
Psychologists Amos Tversky and Daniel Kahneman identified this cognitive bias in the 1970s. Their groundbreaking work in behavioral economics revealed how irrelevant numbers and initial impressions often influence people’s decisions.
Some common examples of anchoring bias:
- Retail Pricing: When we see ‘50% off’, our focus is drawn to the savings, often overshadowing other considerations like actual need, product quality, or even the item’s original price. Retailers frequently use this tactic, setting a high initial cost (the anchor) to make subsequent discounts appear more attractive.
- Salary Negotiations: In job negotiations, the first salary number put on the table often becomes the anchor. It can significantly influence the outcome of the talks, regardless of whether it’s fair or in line with industry standards.
- Real Estate: The initial listing price sets an anchor when buying or selling a house. This price can sway potential buyers’ perceptions of value, affecting their willingness to pay more or less.
- First Impressions Socially: Outside of economic contexts, anchoring bias also affects how we perceive and interact with others. A person’s initial behaviour or appearance can disproportionately influence our ongoing perception of them, regardless of their subsequent actions.
How Anchoring Applies to Dating
In romantic relationships, the anchoring effect can have a massive impact.
Here are a few common examples I’ve seen in coaching:
- Shift in Initial Connection: Often, a date or relationship can start with a strong, positive connection, which becomes the anchor. Regardless, if this dynamic changes, it can be disorienting, leading to self-doubt and blame. You might wonder what you did wrong or why things aren’t the same, not realizing that change is a natural part of relationships or that a person’s true nature is being revealed.
- False Promises Leading to Self-Blame: Sometimes, a partner makes an early promise, such as commitments about the future — buying a home, marriage, or starting a family. This promise becomes an anchor, a fixed point that shapes expectations and hopes. However, if circumstances change and these promises are not fulfilled, it can lead to feelings of betrayal or disappointment. More crucially, anchoring often leads individuals to internalize these unmet expectations. People tend to blame themselves instead of recognizing that the promise might have been unrealistic or that circumstances have changed. They might believe they did something wrong or weren’t enough to make the initial promise materialize.
- First Impressions and Typecasting: Labelling someone as “not your type” or “lacking chemistry” based on initial impressions is a classic example of anchoring. This comparison with past partners or preconceived notions can overshadow the potential for a meaningful relationship. Over time, these initial judgments can prove wrong as deeper connections and compatibilities emerge, challenging the initial anchor. Rather than fixating on giving others second chances, it’s often more rewarding to take a first chance on something that could be unexpectedly wonderful.
In each of these scenarios, the anchor — whether it’s the initial connection, a promise, or a first impression — significantly influences perceptions and decisions in the relationship. Recognizing this bias can help us understand and navigate the complexities of romantic relationships, moving beyond initial impressions to a deeper understanding of oneself and the partner.
What You Can Do
Navigating the anchoring effect in relationships is about developing self-awareness, embracing change, and balancing emotions with rational thinking.
Here are three key strategies:
1. Embrace Change and Complexity in Relationships
In response to the shift in initial connection often seen in dating, where a strong start can set unrealistic expectations, embracing change and complexity becomes vital. Acknowledge that changes in feelings, dynamics, and behaviors are natural and not necessarily indicative of something gone wrong. This understanding helps counter the disorientation and self-doubt that can arise when the initial ‘honeymoon’ phase, which served as an anchor, evolves. Open communication with your partner about these changes can foster mutual understanding and adaptation, reducing the risk of misunderstandings and misplaced blame.
Self-awareness prompt: Consider your past relationships: How often do you lose interest after the thrill of the chase or honeymoon phase? Reflect on what changes and why this might happen.
2. Take 100% Responsibility for Your 50% of the Relationship
Particularly relevant when facing situations like false promises leading to self-blame, it’s important to balance responsibility in a relationship. Recognize that while you cannot control every aspect, especially when early promises or expectations (the anchors) are not met, you have complete control over your reactions and choices. This approach prevents falling into the trap of self-blame, a common outcome of anchoring bias. Instead of dwelling on what the other person did or didn’t do, focus on constructive problem-solving from your side. This proactive stance encourages a healthier, more balanced dynamic, breaking free from the cycle of blame and disappointment.
Self-awareness Prompt: Think of a time when a partner’s promise wasn’t fulfilled. Did you find yourself taking disproportionate blame for this unmet expectation? How might acknowledging your own role without shouldering all the responsibility have changed the dynamic?
3. Give People Chances (Not Just Second, but First Chances!)
Anchoring bias can lead to snap judgments based on past experiences, such as typecasting someone as “not your type” based on initial impressions. To counter this, giving people first chances is essential, opening yourself to new and potentially fulfilling experiences that differ from your past.
This approach is crucial if you’re dissatisfied with your dating history yet still gravitate towards familiar but unsatisfying relationships. By challenging your biases, you allow yourself to explore relationships that might initially feel uncomfortable but can lead to healthier and more satisfying connections. If all you’ve known is a certain type of person, something different will feel extremely uncomfortable or even boring. Don’t fall for your brain’s desire for familiarity. Let go of the instant gratification and let connection build — you don’t have to be a slave to dopamine chases forever.
Self-awareness prompt: Can you recall an instance where someone surprised you positively after an initial misrepresentation or misunderstanding? How did giving them a chance alter your initial perception and the outcome of your interaction?
Final Thoughts
In the journey of dating and relationships, the anchoring effect is a subtle yet powerful force that can shape our experiences and decisions, often without our conscious awareness.
By understanding and acknowledging this bias, we can begin to navigate our romantic lives with greater clarity and intention. The strategies outlined here — embracing change, taking balanced responsibility, and giving people chances — are tools for better relationships and pathways to personal growth and fulfilment.
Pay attention to where this bias may hold you back as you return to everyday life. Is there someone you could give a chance? Or perhaps you’re clinging to an early ideal that was an illusion or no longer possible.
What opens up for you?
Make it happen.
Fed up with repeating patterns in dating? Ready to attract the love you deserve?
Click here to join 1,000s of subscribers for proven strategies that have helped 500+ clients break free from dating disappointment and find love.
Ready to fast-track your progress? Schedule a FREE consultation to explore 1:1 coaching.
