Heartbreak sucks. Few things sting like Cupid’s arrow, a weapon that can inflict both emotional and physical pain. But you already know that. What you might not know is how heartbreak can also be a massive catalyst for transformation. That no matter how things hurt now, it might be what unleashes a side of yourself you never even knew existed.
Cliche? I beg to differ.
As a relationship coach, I work with individuals in the eye of the storm. I’m paid to help them get results, even when it feels impossible.
Do you know what makes this career so fulfilling?
Consistently witnessing incredible transformations from people who had been knocked down hard.
Whether it’s the person who lands their dream job, starts a successful side hustle, breaks a life-long pattern or finds the love they deserve — it’s gratifying to see people reinvent themselves.
And here’s the thing, these transformations weren’t about luck. They were a by-product of some intentional changes, one of which I’m excited to tell you about today.
Which brings me to this post. Today, I want to share one essential step that is always present in the most successful recoveries I’ve seen — building your pillars.
Having coached countless clients, I assure you this element can make or break a recovery. It’s consistently overlooked, with disastrous consequences. On the contrary, fully embraced, this simple idea can help a person progress tremendously and start living a life of presence, fun, and growth.
Sound good? If so, read on and let’s dive deeper into a concept that could change your life forever.
What Are Pillars?
Let’s begin by defining what I mean by pillars.
In literal terms, pillars are sturdy supports that bear the weight of a structure, providing stability and balance. In the aftermath of heartbreak, personal pillars serve a similar role. These are the three to five regular activities that not only offer you joy and fun but also foster your growth. They are the foundational habits that keep you upright and moving forward, ensuring your life doesn’t crumble when faced with emotional upheaval.
I want to clarify that this doesn’t mean denying your experience of pretending the hurt doesn’t exist. This is not a binary choice. The intention here is to put in place mechanisms that help us keep moving and avoid the inaction that is so tempting during emotionally painful times.
Why Should You Care? (The Benefits of Establishing Pillars)
If you’re anything like me, you want to know why you should do something.
Here’s why establishing pillars is not just beneficial but essential:
1. Avoiding Negative Thought Spirals. Without pillars, it’s much easier to focus on negative thoughts, create self-sabotaging narratives, and make dating feel like life or death (it’s not). Just as Parkinson’s Law suggests that work expands to fill the time available, your thoughts and emotions can similarly expand to occupy all available mental and emotional space. Without core pillars, there’s more room for ruminating.
2. The Role of the Survival Brain. When we lack structured time, we default to autopilot mode. In stressful situations like heartbreak, the amygdala (survival brain) takes over. This survival mechanism, while crucial, prioritizes safety over quality of life, leading to a heightened focus on overthinking and dwelling on negativity. This can prevent individuals from taking risks and embracing new experiences, such as meeting new people or breaking old patterns.
3. Time Stops For No-one. Every minute spent dwelling without living and exploring is time you will never get back. Again, this is not about ignoring your experience. This is about allowing yourself to live in a world where you accept feelings and create new opportunities. It’s not binary.
4. Independence in Happiness. Without distinct pillars, it’s easy for our lives to become focused on others for happiness alone. Again, this is not a binary thought — others can and will make you happy. However, if you have no activities outside of other people that bring you joy, you will forever be reliant on others.
5. Learning Through Feedback Loops. Humans learn from feedback loops. We take action, see a result, and adjust our behaviour. If we stop taking action, we consciously reinforce negative loops that solidify the outcomes we’re trying to change. Pillars are an excellent way of preventing this.
6. Holistic, Automated Growth. You will find that while these pillars help you navigate heartbreak, they also automate your personal growth, irrespective of relationships. By establishing these core parts of your life, you’re creating a fail-safe that keeps you from veering violently off track and ensures you are always maintaining some presence in the world.
Now you know why this is so important, let’s get into some basic strategies for success.
What Makes a Great Pillar?
Before you rush to fill your life with many hobbies, it’s crucial to ensure that your choices genuinely benefit you. The best way to do this is by applying specific criteria to each potential activity. Drawing from my coaching experience, I’ve identified some simple yet effective filters to help you in this process.
A great pillar, in my view, should meet three or more of the following criteria:
1. It Energizes You. Activities that energize you are crucial because they replenish your mental and physical energy rather than deplete it. When a pillar energizes you, it’s more sustainable and positively impacts other areas of your life. Similarly, if something significantly depletes you, consider why you want to keep it in your life. Everyone is unique — be true to yourself.
2. Contains an Element of Mastery. Engaging in activities that allow for skill development over time can be deeply fulfilling. The journey towards mastery is inherently rewarding and provides a sense of progress and achievement. This aligns with the psychological concept of flow, where individuals are fully immersed and engaged in an activity, leading to increased happiness and personal growth. Mastery is also an integral ingredient for self-confidence — it’s undeniable and cannot be taken away from you.
3. Involves Delayed Gratification. Choosing activities that involve delayed gratification over instant rewards is significant for long-term satisfaction and self-discipline. This aligns with the “marshmallow test” concept in psychology, which demonstrates the benefits of delayed gratification, such as better life outcomes and greater resilience. Constantly indulging in instant gratification reduces your ability to focus and leads us towards more violent emotional swings.
4. Allows You to Create or Make a Difference. Activities that enable you to create something or make a difference provide a sense of purpose and contribution. This is closely tied to the concept of self-actualization in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, where fulfilling one’s potential and making an impact leads to greater life satisfaction.
5. You Enjoy It. Enjoyment is a simple yet overlooked criterion. If you enjoy an activity, you’re more likely to continue and integrate it into your life. Please note that enjoyment does not imply that something needs to be easy. Many find thrills in challenges.
Of course, you might be reading this thinking you already have pillars. In my experience, they rarely adhere to these standards.
The most common examples include social media, streaming TV, alcohol, porn, and drugs. All of the above represent forms of instant gratification that neglect mastery, emphasize consumption and can drain you over time. While there is nothing wrong with including these activities, I believe they can be part of a broader life. When in doubt, lead with your values and long-term goals. If you’re not doing things that align, reassess.
The diagram below provides an overview of how I think about this using the lens of instant vs. delayed gratification.
A Worked Example — My Pillars
Having explored the criteria for what makes a great pillar, it’s time to move from theory to practice. Let me share my experience to illustrate how these principles come to life. This is not just about understanding the concept but seeing it in action.
The diagram below illustrates the pillars that keep me balanced and focused.
As you can see, there is nothing groundbreaking. I love to write, as that’s one way of expressing my creativity. I’m a learning geek, so I read books and ask many questions. I have no shame in admitting my love for video games and having a laugh. These activities have a hugely positive impact on my mental well-being. Practising accents is a surprisingly fun task that instantly changes my state and still involves mastery.
The key is that I schedule most of these activities on my calendar. It’s not perfect, but I get it done. I have noticed that without these items, I quickly become chaotic and disorganized. The lack of structure provides an opening for pointless cycles of overthinking that achieve nothing useful. This is my way of baby-proofing myself.
Of course, these are my choices. Yours may differ. The following image contains further examples to help get clearer on what suits you. This is not a complete list, but there are some common categories to get you thinking.
Three Questions to Help You
If you’re still feeling stuck, don’t worry. Sometimes, you feel like you’re doing everything you can or have no idea where to start. If that sounds like you, here are three thought-provoking questions to get you unstuck.
1. If I gave you $10m, how would you spend it outside of buying a home and travelling?
I love this question because it often stumps people. By removing the purchase of a home and the cliche of travel, you’re forced to think about what you genuinely want. In most cases, the answers I hear are far more achievable than people realize. One client told me they would spend more time reading and studying history. They neglected to schedule reading because they had treated it as a binary — I can read or work.
2. What are some activities where you become so absorbed time flies by?
Have you ever done something and become so immersed in the activity that time flew by? This time distortion is a common side-effect of the high-performance state known as flow. Flow is one of the most enjoyable states we have. Returning to feedback loops, if we do something that leads to a positive experience, we will likely repeat the action and start forming a habit. That’s why spotting where we have been absorbed in an activity can help us be intentional with our time and increase fulfilment in our lives.
When was the last time you were fully present? Are there any clues that you can leverage to access this experience more often?
3. What have you STOPPED doing that brought you happiness or fun before?
World-renowned strength coach Dan John has a saying:
“It worked so well, I stopped doing it”.
Can you relate?
In coaching, it’s astounding how many stories I hear from people who used to love something and then stopped doing it. Life has a habit of getting in the way, and we need to constantly reassess what makes us happy and whether we are proactively scheduling these things in our calendars. After all, if we don’t do that, other people will dictate our time for us.
For me, returning to league cricket and becoming involved in that community was a game-changer. At one point, I stopped writing to focus on coaching, which completely shut off my creativity outlet.
So, what is the equivalent for you? What have you stopped that you used to enjoy? Is there anything to learn from the reason you stopped?
Putting Everything Into Practice
Now we’ve covered all the theories, let’s start bringing this to life for you.
Here are a few simple steps you can take today:
1. Clear out draining forces. Grab a sheet of paper and draw two columns: Things that energize me and things that drain me. Anything that drains you and is not required, reduce or cull it. See if you can automate or delegate anything that drains you but is necessary.
2. Answer the three questions above. Compile a list and clarify what could become a pillar in your life. Don’t forget to include things you already do. Maybe they can be expanded?
3. Identify and schedule. Pick three things and ensure they are planned in your calendar weekly for the next month.
4. Try something new. Pick ONE new thing you’d like to try this month. Schedule it today.
Final Thoughts
If you’re struggling with heartbreak, establishing your pillars is a non-negotiable step to differentiate between transformation and prolonged pain. This isn’t just a coping mechanism; it’s the building blocks for a fulfilled and more resilient life.
As mentioned, I’ve seen first-hand how adding these elements helps clients move on, and I’ve experienced how difficult things can become without them. Why leave things to chance when you can use tools like this to help catch you when most needed?
I encourage you to spend time with the resources above and clarify your pillars. Heartbreak is a golden opportunity for transformation, but only if you take initiative. While it’s crucial to honor your feelings of loss, it’s equally important to engage in life actively, ensuring that grief doesn’t overshadow your potential for happiness and growth.
Make it happen.
Feeling trapped in a cycle of unfulfilling relationships? Ready to finally transform your life and start taking action?
Join the hundreds of clients who’ve shattered overthinking, healed the sting of rejection, and stepped into their most magnetic selves.
If not now, then when? Book your FREE Breakthrough Call — let’s make it happen.
You can also download my free eBOOK, “Three Essential Keys To Move On From Heartbreak”, here.
