Neil Strauss, the infamously reformed pick-up artist who wrote “The Game” only to settle down himself, says it best in his latest book: “There isn’t just one true and proper way to love, to relate, to bond, to touch. Any style of relationship is the right one, as long as it’s a decision made by the whole person and not the hole in the person.”
Modern relationships are, in a word, messy. This isn’t new or surprising, of course. Any time two people get together romantically is an opportunity for hurt feelings, misinterpretations, and countless other obstacles to that “happily ever after” we’ve been told about.
But what if we’re barking up the wrong tree? Is this whole monogamy thing even natural? We’ve been sold on the idea for so long that there’s a man or woman out there for you, that once you meet, you’ll spend the rest of your lives together, that we haven’t even entertained an alternative.
Understanding Monogamy
Let’s be honest, here: monogamy does have a lot going for it, but not always for those involved. In fact, it’s perhaps the most beneficial evolutionary trait. Individuals don’t last long on their own, and as a social species, humans often need to band together to increase their odds of survival.
A paired couple is better at finding food and shelter than they are on their own, so they’re more likely to pass on their genetics to the next generation and support the survival of their species.
That’s the evolutionary psychology take on monogamy, anyway.
But we’re not hunter-gatherers anymore. We’ve traded in the sabretooth tiger skin moccasins and mammoth-fur coats for Nikes and Patagonia jackets.
Our society has developed enough so that if you choose to do life alone, you’re not necessarily considered an evolutionary dead-end. Yet the cultural idea of monogamy still lingers, perhaps even more than ever. What gives?
Nature or Nurture? The Case for Non-Monogamy
The truth is that there’s plenty of evidence that non-monogamy works just as well, if not better, from an evolutionary standpoint. The way sex and relationships work in our closest evolutionary cousins proves that there’s nothing wrong with not pairing off.
The bonobo, a member of the ape family that resembles a smaller species of chimpanzee, is the most similar to humans from an evolutionary standpoint — but the social system of the bonobo, when compared to chimps or even ours, is simply night and day.
Bonobos’ approach to sex and relationships is more fluid than we do. They don’t practice monogamy but instead enjoy themselves by getting involved with anyone and everyone within their social group.
Groups of bonobos do everything communally (and yes, I mean everything), and it’s worth pointing out that there’s so little aggression between individual bonobos in a social group — and even between two different groups — that it’s practically nonexistent.
Granting Yourself the Space to Be You
Monogamy isn’t nearly as necessary as it once was in our modern society. Sure, it has its benefits, and those are great, but these advantages don’t always outshine the drawbacks.
Yet, any of us who try to rebel against this cultural standard will often deal with a lot of pushback from everyone. Friends, family members, and even work colleagues all seem to have something to say if they find out you’re not in a monogamous relationship of some kind or you’re at least actively pursuing one.
The thing is, there’s no so-called “natural” way to be in a relationship; if monogamy works for you and your partner, congratulations. That’s amazing.
If monogamy doesn’t work for you, there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with you — maybe you’re just more of a bonobo than a chimpanzee?
