“Unfinished business is a constant blemish on the psyche, always calling for attention, and never at peace.” – David Allen
Are you struggling to move on from someone due to a lack of closure?
Perhaps things changed so fast you can’t make sense of it. You could be kicking yourself for what you didn’t do. Or maybe there’s a conversation yet to happen that you think could change everything.
Having been a relationship coach for five years, I can categorically say that lack of closure is the number one obstacle to people moving on.
A common question I’m asked is, why?
The full answer is worthy of its own article. Let’s keep it simple for now — humans have an innate desire for closure.
Our brains hate open loops and will dedicate as much bandwidth to closing them. If something doesn’t make sense to us, it’s hard to let it go, regardless of what others say.
Unfortunately, this sometimes means we’re waiting for a resolution that may never arrive. And it’s crucial to remember: Just because we believe something doesn’t make it true.
This is precisely why waiting for closure can be a treacherous game. What constitutes closure for most people is simply an answer that makes sense.
Ready for a brutal reality check?
You already have closure, just not the closure you want.
Take a moment to consider this: The outcome you’ve experienced is closure. The challenge lies in your struggle to recognize and accept it. This denial traps you, causing you to obsess over what-ifs and pour energy into a fading situation.
So what’s the answer?
The answer is to create your closure.
Sounds simple, but how do you actually do that? Fortunately, I’ve learned some handy tips and tricks you can use.
Let’s look at four methods you can explore to reclaim control of your life.
1. Embrace Multiple Truths
Our quest for closure often stumbles upon the hurdle of binary thinking — the inclination to view situations in black-and-white terms. This restrictive (yet natural) mindset fosters rigidity, which clashes with the inherently fluid nature of human experiences. The result is dissonance, an uncomfortable psychological tension that persists until you get the answers you seek.
How do we get around this?
A key concept is Cognitive Reframing. This scientifically-supported technique involves actively altering your perception of a situation.
Where stereotypical self-help goes wrong is demanding you find a positive spin on the situation. For me, it’s equally important to acknowledge the complexity and multiple facets of any circumstance.
There are two key aspects to focus on:
1. Expanding Beyond Single-Story Thinking. Most of us impose our truth or version of events as the only possibility. Unfortunately, just because you believe something is true doesn’t always make it so, especially in relationships. Life rarely offers a single narrative; your experience is just one of many. Recognizing this can liberate you from the “I’m right, you’re wrong” mindset, paving the way for emotional freedom.
2. Acceptance Doesn’t Require Your Approval. Sometimes, we refuse to accept reality because it feels like approving or giving up. This is another example of binary thinking. You don’t have to approve of something to accept it. For instance, consider a relationship that ended on a sour note. You might struggle with the reality of its conclusion, feeling that accepting the outcome is admitting failure or agreeing. However, accepting the end doesn’t mean you approve of how things turned out, or negate the value of the time spent together. It simply means acknowledging the reality now, not as you wish.
To put this together:
- Contemplate Dual Realities. Ask yourself, “What changes if two things could be true?” This encourages considering multiple perspectives and realities simultaneously.
- Reflect on Reluctant Acceptance. Consider, “Are you hesitant to accept an outcome because it feels like agreement?” This reflection helps differentiate between acceptance and approval.
- Seek Lessons in Contradictions. Ask, “How might this experience teach or remind me of something I’ve overlooked?”
By embracing multiple truths, you will learn a valuable skill that not only lets you move on but will filter into growth everywhere in your life.
2. Have a Closure Conversation
The fastest way to create closure is an honest, direct conversation with the person involved to address unfinished matters.
There is one caveat — you must be willing to accept their response as final. No debating or disbelief. Because it doesn’t matter, the outcome is the closure.
Let me share an example from a prior client. Let’s call her Teja. Teja and her ex were in an inter-faith relationship that their parents would never accept. Whilst they agreed to stop dating, they quickly transitioned into a blurry friendship, where lines were frequently crossed. As a result, neither individual moved on, and both secretly hoped that something would change.
When Teja came to me to seek help moving on, we agreed it was time for a vulnerable and honest conversation with her ex. They both acknowledged the unhealthy friendship and admitted neither was willing to put their parents through the turmoil of inter-faith marriage, and they were OK with that.
They realized their relationship was idealized, and their life goals were diverging. The conversation was a much-needed weight off both people’s shoulders.
Preparing for a closure conversation:
- Mental and Emotional Readiness. Be mentally and emotionally prepared for any outcome. The purpose of this conversation is your closure, not to reach a mutual agreement or to revive the relationship.
- Focus on Clarity, Not Confrontation. Approach the conversation with a mindset of seeking understanding and clarity rather than trying to resolve all past issues or change the other person’s mind.
If you choose this, be prepared for whatever comes out of it. You’re after personal closure, not a mutual agreement.
3. Write a Closure Letter
I highly recommend this option.
Writing a letter allows you to process the situation and embed new beliefs and meanings. If you’re skeptical, don’t just take my word for it. Studies by Psychologist James Pennebaker show writing can be therapeutic, giving you clarity and emotional release.
And don’t worry, you don’t have to send this to the person.
Here’s a format I use with clients:
- What happened (the events that transpired).
- What you felt (emotions e.g. sadness, hurt, regret, rejection, etc.).
- What did you make this mean about yourself (not good enough, not attractive, not worthy, etc.)?
- What have you been blaming the other person for (not seeing things, behaving a certain way, not communicating, etc.)?
- What you now see and how you choose to go forward (your reframed view of what this means for you and what’s possible).
Once written, you can keep it to refer back to in moments of doubt, or some people like to destroy it.
Think of this as a moment where you signal to yourself that you will no longer be bound by waiting for another person to give you the answer you want. It’s you reclaiming the power in your life and stepping into the role of creator.
One of my recent clients completed this exercise with great success. He penned an emotional letter, which allowed him to express a lot of emotion he had been holding. As he wrote, it became apparent that he was avoiding the work on himself, and much of his blame was unfairly directed at his ex.
The initial writing might sting, but think of it as emotional purging. Clarity often follows.
4. Conduct a Closure Ritual
Finally, you may need something tangible to help you feel closure. That’s where a ritual can significantly help.
Many people find themselves trapped by constant reminders: Physical objects, photos, songs, and chats. Each of these can keep a loop open in your brain and hinder your progress in moving on.
A few client experiences sprint to mind:
- Matt still had his ex-wife’s old clothes (emotional anchors that reminded him of their past).
- Giovanni kept old pictures and chats of his ex-girlfriend and frequently looked at them.
- Teja had her ex’s drum set, who claimed he could not take it back yet.
Dealing with the objects represented a powerful closure ritual in all these situations.
Matt pushed his ex to pick up her clothes. Giovanni took a massive step in deleting those photos and symbolically burning his closure letter. Teja arranged for the drum set to be stored by a mutual friend.
These tangible acts created mental space for all the individuals. This is not surprising as studies suggest rituals like this can reduce feelings of grief and loss by creating a structured narrative for the brain to latch onto.
Putting this into practice:
- Consider what remnants may be impacting your ability to move on.
- Can you take action to clear these from your life?
- How could you make this a symbolic act of closure?
Final Thoughts
If you find yourself struggling to move on from a person, consider employing these four methods.
Remember, each method has unique strengths. The real magic unfolds when you blend these approaches, leveraging their collective power rather than depending solely on one.
And if you take nothing else away from this article, remember — stop waiting for closure. It could be a train that never comes and causes you to miss opportunities.
Closure is not something that time alone can guarantee or that others can grant you. It’s something you actively create for yourself. It’s about taking control of your narrative, reclaiming your power, and stepping into a space of self-empowerment.
Make it happen.
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