The Early Bird
Their parent drops them off at least thirty minutes before the party starts for reasons that become obvious before the squealing of their SUV tires can no longer be heard.
The Redwood
You may at first mistake this child for their parent. Towering at nearly twice the height of every other party guest, they’re the reason you need to turn your phone vertically when you try to take a group picture.
The Big Spender
This child’s family has obviously concealed their relation to the Cargill-MacMillan family and gifts your birthday boy or girl something exceeding any reasonable spending limit. Regardless of whether it’s pure generosity or some kind of eccentric power move, your child is delighted, and you start researching insurance for it.
The Sphinx
There is no end to their questions or confusing statements. A sample conversation may go as follows:
“What’s this little door for?”
“Our cat.”
“The cat can go through a door?”
“Um… yes?”
“Where is it?”
“Probably hiding somewhere. She’s shy.”
“I’m not. I’ll go look for her.”
“She’s hard to find when she wants to be alone.”
“I bet I can do it.”
“[Sigh] You’re welcome to try.”
“Try what?”
“… Finding the cat.”
“Nah, that’s ok. I don’t like cats.”
The Destructor
Much like a Great Dane puppy, they can’t help that they haven’t grown into their hands or feet yet. Neither home furniture, venue property, nor other kids’ teeth are safe from their klutziness.
The Unenthusiast
It’s a mystery why this guest chose to attend something as pedestrian as a birthday party in the first place. No activity — including laser tag, bounce houses, or consuming vast quantities of refined sugar — can penetrate their aloof ramparts. They may as well be leaning against a wall, smoking Gauloises, and waxing existential about the profound nature of ennui.
The Screech Owl
They don’t speak so much as make sounds not of this world. Their answer to a simple question about cheese or pepperoni pizza will measure above ninety decibels. They shriek in pleasure, in displeasure, and everything in between. You consider asking their parents for tinnitus remedies the next day.
The Cling-On
This parent is not an official guest but a party fixture nonetheless. Are they overprotective of their offspring or just hungry for adult interaction? You’ll never know, but your repeated invitations to sit down and stay are always met with refusals that they “really have to get going” just before they launch into yet another conversation with you about sports schedules or homework apps.
Nevertheless, they deserve a slice of cake and a goodie bag at the end of the celebration, too.
Caroline is a humor writer from Pittsburgh. You can read more of her work at carolinehorwitzwriting.com.
