I am incredibly passionate about helping people escape narcissistic patterns and relationships. Few things bother me more than seeing someone trapped in a situation where they are made to feel small, unimportant, worthless, and crazy.
I’ve worked with countless clients suffering from this kind of abuse throughout my coaching career. While each person has a unique story, there remains a familiar pattern of a partner who is charming to the world (sometimes at home), only to reveal an emotionally cold underlayer prone to violent mood swings, deeply hurtful comments, and unreasonable expectations bordering on hypocrisy.
Now, it’s very easy and frighteningly common to criticize people in these situations. Logic would dictate that if you are emotionally abused or treated poorly, all you need to do is leave.
As if they haven’t tried that already! Many of the people I work with are almost ashamed of themselves for not being about to walk away. Part of them knows that they deserve better, yet another part compels them to stay. The truth is, there is nothing to be ashamed of because there are genuine psychological influences that make it almost impossible to drop everything and leave.
Allow me to explain.
Why It’s so Hard to Walk Away
A narcissistic victim is often a warm, loving person who sees the best in others. In some cases, they may have grown up with a parent who exuded similar narcissistic qualities or developed such a skill for empathy that they deeply connect with others. What many might mistake as weakness is actually a belief that people CAN and WILL change. It’s hope and faith in someone they care about which keeps them going through adversity.
When you add these elements together, it creates cognitive dissonance — the psychological tension experienced when trying to reconcile two or more opposing behaviors, beliefs, or values. The result is unbearable mental distress as the mind tries to find the truth between two competing ideas. Imagine having an itch on your brain that you can’t scratch no matter how hard you try.
In the context of a narcissistic relationship, the situation is slightly different, but the result is the same:
- Person A has been treated poorly (often emotional abuse and unpredictability).
- Person B (the narcissist) reassures them of change (in extreme cases, they may not even do this).
- Person A now has two opposing elements — promises/hopes of change from Person B vs. the contrary evidence up until now.
- The competing ideas cause significant mental stress as Person A tries to reconcile the truth and live by their values.
- Person A is unable to think of anything else, constantly recalls the past, reads into behaviors, starts predicting the future and creating what-if scenarios (all to gain some insight that drives a conclusive answer).
- Person A thinks so much about Person B they feel it is worth giving them another chance (appealing to their belief people can change and unconsciously allowing them to believe Person B loves them and needs time).
- Person B doesn’t change, and the process repeats, often with Person A wondering if they are the reason why things don’t work.
Where You Go Wrong
Something needs to happen to stop the pain and psychological distress from consuming everything. The root of what keeps people stucks is HOW they resolve the tension.
There are three ways to solve cognitive dissonance:
- Change your belief. For example, accept their nature and move on (let go).
- Obtain new information. For example, acquire new knowledge that sways you to one opinion.
- Reduce the importance of the scenario. For example, not dwelling and instead choosing to focus on other parts of your life.
The natural human inclination is to pursue option 2, seeking new information. It’s what we default to without intervention.
Sadly, when we do this, we read into things that are not there and believe what we want to be true rather than what is. We find excuses and justifications for poor behaviour to offer another chance.
Why?
Because anything else means accepting it is over and facing the reality that they do not care about us the way we want them to.
Seeking new information to resolve dissonance works in buying decisions like choosing an iPad. You can objectively weigh up the benefits of certain features and reach an informed decision. Where it DOESN’T work is human relationships. We are driven by ego and so unwilling to be wrong that we create evidence to back our opinions. We find the most creative ways to rationalize the other person’s behavior, so that it is an expression of love or that it will somehow change if given time.
And so, the biggest mistake people make when dealing with narcissists is trying to solve the dissonance by WAITING for them to change.
No amount of time, conversation or logical reasoning will make a difference. You’re dealing with a person that is incredibly intelligent, adept at manipulation, and able to rationalize any thought process to avoid being wrong or looking bad. It becomes a vicious cycle of hope that is repeatedly born, killed, and reborn again.
You might think if you stay, there is still a chance. By waiting, you ensure there isn’t because you demonstrate through your actions that they don’t need to. From their perspective, they know that no matter how much you voice your concern, there is no real consequence as long as they can convince you to give them another chance. Most narcissists thrive off this challenge and even get thrills out of salvaging things just as you find the confidence to walk.
When you wait for them to change, it’s like going into Home Depot and asking for poached eggs and bacon. It is NOT going to happen, and instead, you find yourself:
- Giving repeated chances
- Living in false hope whilst missing all other opportunities
- Trying to change your behavior to please or help them
- Slowly starting to believe their stories about how you are the problem
- Blaming yourself or doubting that you are capable of finding love
I’ve seen the same patterns repeat themselves time and time again with many clients — all wonderful humans living in the hope that the other person will change and assuming responsibility when they don’t.
What to Do Instead
Life is too short to be dealing with shitty, abusive relationships. You are worth more, and no amount of logical explanation will make them see that.
So what do you do?
Again, it all comes down to HOW you resolve the dissonance which is causing you so much psychological stress and discomfort.
Instead of seeking new information (giving a chance), the best way forward is a combination of options 1 and 3:
- Change your belief. Accept their nature instead of trying to change them.
- Reduce the importance of the scenario. Re-establish your mission in life and re-focus on YOU.
If you’ve been stuck for a while, you’ve likely been unwilling to shift your belief and made that person the focal point of your life. The more you do this, the more invested you become in the situation, the harder it is to let go. Your world becomes about them and fixing a relationship — something that is beyond your sole control.
The most loving thing you can do for yourself is to entirely exit the situation, go no-contact, and focus on your development, passions, and mission.
If you have doubts about their nature, then trauma therapist Andrea Schneider explains this neatly:
Experts on narcissistic abuse recovery all agree that contact with someone like this always results in pain (Payson). Maintaining zero contact is essential for you to be able to heal and cognitively and emotionally process the mental hurricane that hit. Some clients have likened the experience to coming off a drug; it is so painful to go through the traumatic grief work in being abandoned that these feelings are akin to withdrawals. However, as you heal, you can be empowered, stronger, wiser, and more discerning and reclaiming of your own self-worth.
The ONLY way to deal with narcissists is to go NO-CONTACT and REBUILD your life by focusing on YOU.
Yes, that means fully closing the door instead of constantly allowing them to creep in and convince you of a change they don’t want to make.
How do you start to rebuild?
While this is a whole topic on its own, here are a few tips to get you started:
- Work with a coach or professional to UNWIND the stories you have created since being in a toxic relationship.
- Write a closure letter (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED).
- Rediscover what you are PASSIONATE about.
- Spend 30 days of self-care by doing something for you EVERY DAY (whether it’s eating right, yoga, meditation, trying a new hobby, watching a show — something for YOU).
This is about taking your focus away from a relationship and external validation and towards finding yourself again. Don’t put pressure or worry about the speed. Small steps everyday compound into huge gains!
What Now?
Maybe you can relate to all of the above. Perhaps you are in a similar situation where you aren’t being treated right but find it hard to walk away. You might even feel angry at yourself.
Hopefully, this article sheds some light on why it is so challenging to exit narcissistic situations. It’s not always about mental strength or courage, but rather how we choose to resolve the struggle.
Moving forward, it’s time to focus less on giving chances and more on shifting your beliefs and rediscovering yourself. Follow the steps in this post, and you will be able to escape from a constant cycle of waiting for something that’s never coming. You can start to become the author of your own life and dare to go for a relationship you deserve.
And if you ever need personalized help or support, I’ve got your back — don’t hesitate to reach out below.
Make it happen.
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