How to Recover From a Narcissist

“We attract into our lives those who abuse us just less than we abuse ourselves.”

— Don Miguel Ruiz

If there’s one thing that pulls at my heartstrings, it’s working with someone who has been the victim of an emotionally abusive relationship. I hate to see incredibly kind and loving people put through such turmoil and, in many cases, start to believe the false stories their narcissistic love interests create about them. Sadly, this has become all too familiar and frequent.

While every situation has unique elements, it’s hard to ignore the eerily familiar undercurrents I’ve consistently witnessed. It typically involves a partner who is charming to the world (sometimes at home) yet, in private, reveals an emotionally cold underlayer prone to violent mood swings, deeply hurtful comments, and unreasonable expectations bordering on hypocrisy. The victims of these relationships are often told their emotions are not valid, accused of making things up (gaslighting), and even had their sanity questioned. This can leave a person desperately questioning their mental health and wondering whether it is them.

Of course, the experience can be so overwhelming that it becomes tough to heal (or even leave). There is doubt and fear about how to do so and navigate the rough waters that follow.

If you resonate with any of the above, this post is for you. Having worked with many clients in this boat, I want to offer insights that have helped others break free of the pain and attract the love they deserve.

What follows is a detailed yet practical guide on the steps you can start taking today. These concepts have been battle-tested with 100s of clients, and help you understand the psychology of what’s happened. I am confident they will help you start a new phase in life and put the pain behind you.

Identify & Unwind the False Narrative

I want to start by going deep into mindset. As mentioned, a narcissist will implant beliefs in their victims with such conviction and frequency that the person begins to believe them.

The most common stories include:

• You’re crazy and emotionally insecure.
• You’re too weak and need to toughen up.
• I’m not responsible for how you feel — you make everything about you.

It’s critical to re-iterate the two strategies a narcissist will use to plant these seeds:

1. Conviction
2. Frequency

Said with enough confidence and often enough, these ideas grow into beliefs.

Have you ever seen the movie Inception? The film focuses on one concept — planting an idea in someone else’s head and making them believe it is their own. Once that idea is fully formed and understood, it sticks. It becomes like an all-consuming virus that renders them at the mercy of the nature of that thought.

As humans, we love to create stories about ourselves — even when they aren’t pleasant about us. They are the unconscious rules that govern our lives and the lens through which we view the world. A part of the brain called the Reticular Activating System (RAS) is responsible for this process.

For example, you’re probably not focused on the color blue right now. But if I tell you to look for blue around you, all of a sudden, it’s popping everywhere. The RAS is taking your request and showing you evidence of it. The same happens with our stories. If you believe you are shit at relationships, your RAS will show you proof that supports it while conveniently ignoring everything else that might challenge it.

So how does this apply in a narcissistic relationship?

Over time you collate enough evidence to support their ideas, and soon they become beliefs. It is no longer a concept; it has become a self-fulfilling prophecy and your truth.

You might be wondering why we would ever choose to believe something shitty about ourselves. It may seem crazy, but doing so actually provides a lot of psychological safety for many. The oldest part of our brain is hardwired to focus on survival. It will steer us away from anything deemed to be a threat. Unfortunately, anything unfamiliar or uncertain get’s put in this bucket. Even if the narrative is negative, it’s one we know. Rewriting that story involves facing uncertainty and going through a change, a process your survival brain naturally wants to resist out of fear.

So, what can you do?

In the words of Susan Jeffers, “Feel the fear and do it anyway”.

List out all the stories they have created about you. And challenge them using “Socratic Questioning”:

• Is this 100% true? What’s the counter-evidence?
• Is this belief supporting me?
• What is a more empowering way of thinking that I can try on like a new pair of shoes right now?

Do this daily to let the content genuinely sink in. The key is creating doubt in the false narrative. Give your RAS something positive to prove, and you’ll be shocked at how quickly you can expand your perspective and start to reclaim your life.

Understand the Psychology Keeping You Stuck

Understanding this is crucial because it’s infinitely easier to spot the pattern and interrupt it once you grasp what’s happening. While there are a few relevant concepts, I want to focus on the most prevalent — cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort experienced when we try to reconcile two contradictory beliefs, values or actions. The result is unbearable mental distress as the mind tries to find the truth between two competing ideas. Imagine having an itch on your brain that you can’t scratch no matter how hard you try.

In a narcissistic relationship, this typically manifests as below:

• Person A meets Person B and is initially overwhelmed by a certain charisma and charm. Often, a sense of familiarity and excitement leads to a relationship.
• After the honeymoon phase, Person A starts to experience poor treatment, including emotional abuse and unpredictability.
• When confronted, Person B (the narcissist) either reassures them of change or denies wrongdoing. They may even invalidate the other person’s feelings and call them crazy.
• Person A now has two opposing elements, promises of change or self-doubt vs. the contrary evidence in the present.
• The competing ideas cause significant mental stress as Person A tries to reconcile the truth and live by their values.
• Person A cannot think of anything else, constantly recalls the past, reads into behaviors, starts predicting the future, and creates what-if scenarios (all to gain some insight that drives a conclusive answer).
• Person A thinks so much about Person B they feel it is worth giving them another chance. They may start to believe they are wrong or that the other person can change, so why risk it?
• Nothing changes, and the process repeats, often with Person A wondering if they are the reason why things don’t work.

When presented with conflicting behaviors and beliefs, your mind has three methods to resolve the psychological tension:

1. Change your belief. For example, decide that they don’t like you and move on.
2. Seek new information. For example, acquire some piece of knowledge that sways you in one direction.
3. Reduce the importance of the scenario. For example, not dwelling and instead choosing to focus on other parts of your life.

The natural human inclination is to pursue option 2, seeking new information. It’s what we default to without intervention.

Sadly, when we do this, we read into things that are not there and believe what we want to be true rather than what is. We find excuses and justifications for poor behavior to offer another chance.

Why?

Because anything else means accepting it is over and facing the reality that they do not care about us the way we want them to.

No amount of time, conversation or logical reasoning will make a difference. You’re dealing with a person that is incredibly intelligent, adept at manipulation, and able to rationalize any thought process to avoid being wrong or looking bad. It becomes a vicious cycle of hope that is repeatedly born, killed, and reborn again.

So, what can you do?

Again, it all comes down to HOW you resolve the dissonance which is causing you so much psychological stress and discomfort.

Instead of seeking new information (giving a chance), the best way forward is a combination of options 1 and 3:

• Change your belief. Accept their nature instead of trying to change them.
• Reduce the importance of the scenario. Re-establish your mission in life and re-focus on YOU.

Until then, consider how you are overanalyzing everything that happened and waiting for change. How can you shift your belief and expand your focus on yourself instead?

Create Your Own Closure

Following on from above, one of the key reasons people remain stuck is the need for closure. The biggest error is waiting for them to change and admit they were wrong. The most common desire is to have that moment where the narcissist apologizes for their behavior, validates that the victim isn’t crazy, and confesses all the stories were made up.

Let’s get one thing straight, it’s not going to happen. If you wait for this, it’s like going to Home Depot and ordering eggs. They aren’t coming, no matter how long you wait. By placing the power for closure in their hands, you remain under their control and unable to move on. You unconsciously believe that they are the gatekeepers of truth, your primary source of validation, and the permission giver for you to move on.

So, what can you do?

Let’s take a different approach. Create your own closure.

You can explore many ways, but my favorite is to write a closure letter. Don’t panic, you don’t have to send it to the person, but you do have to take the time to write it.

The format is simple. Hit all of the below points:

• What happened (the events that transpired)
• What you felt (emotions: sadness, hurt, regret, rejection, etc.)
• What you made this mean about yourself (not good enough, not attractive, not worthy, etc.)
• What you have been blaming the other person for (not seeing things, behaving a certain way, not communicating, etc.)
• What you now see and how you choose to be going forward (your reframed view of what this means for you and what’s possible)

Once written, you can keep it with you to refer back to in moments of doubt, or some people like to destroy it. You have to work out what is suitable for you as part of an intent to take responsibility for your life. Think of this as a moment where you signal to yourself that you will no longer be bound by waiting for another person to give you the answer you want. It’s you reclaiming the power in your life and stepping into the role of creator.

Go No-Contact (For Your Own Sake)

The clients I’ve seen make the best progress went no contact. For many, this was a last resort strategy but the final piece in the puzzle. The problem is that contact always results in pain, something experts in narcissistic abuse recovery unanimously agree on (see E.Payson, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists).

You need the space to heal from the emotional hurricane you’ve just been through. Every time you give them an inch, they will take a mile. They know exactly what to say to you, how to create hope, and how to turn the table on you. Many will liken the experience of going no contact to coming off a drug. It will be hard to let go of wanting to be seen, heard, and validated, but you need to create space for a healthy relationship. This only strengthens the need for the self-created closure we discussed earlier. Let go of winning the argument, because that’s the cycle bringing you back to pain.

So, what can you do?

Delete the chat, remove the number, go no-contact. Whatever it takes.

Remember, you are capable of empathy, love, and growth. Narcissists struggle with these elements and draw confidence from putting others down. You don’t need to judge them, and you don’t need to play their game. Let’s live the life you want by creating space and giving yourself a chance to heal!

Finally, Stay the Course

At times it may feel like you’re making no progress. As long as you follow the steps above, you are creating transformation. This is best shown in the graphic below from James Clear’s best-selling book “Atomic Habits”. Stick with the process, and you will see exponential gains when you least expect it.

As part of this, be prepared for an unexpected emotional plea — especially when going no-contact. While not all narcissists will do this, some are incredibly clever and use their vulnerability to get you to stay. I’ve seen this repeatedly with clients leaving emotionally abusive relationships. Even if the partner has been manipulative for 20 years, the victim can be swayed momentarily by a carefully choreographed display of emotion.

Always remember that actions speak louder than words. You’re in this position now because of this mismatch. Don’t be fooled by a simple recital or Golden Globes performance. Dare to believe you are worth more in your relationship. They do not get to define you. You do.

There’s no sugar coating it — the process is challenging but worth it. You are more capable than you know, and the life you deserve is waiting on the other side of this massive action. Don’t forget; you don’t have to do this alone either. If you want to rebuild your life but don’t know how to, seeking help is one of the strongest things you can do. Remember, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Make it happen.

Fed up with repeating patterns in dating? Or perhaps you’re ready to attract the love you deserve.

I’ve helped 100s of clients crush overthinking, heal the pain of rejection and become their most attractive selves.

If that sounds interesting, why not book a FREE Breakthrough Call — let’s see how we can make it happen.

You can also pick up a copy of my FREE eBOOK, “Three Essential Keys To Move On From Heartbreak”, here.