Early childhood experiences shape your personality. Based on Attachment Theory, an area in psychology that describes how we relate to others, attachment is formed in childhood and influences your relationships throughout life.
It’s the reason why some people are aloof while others are clingy. The nature of the attachment to your parents impacts every area of your life.
Attachment is the lens through which we view the world and live life. But you don’t have to be a victim of your past. You can develop secure attachment as an adult.
Here’s everything you need to know about how to change your attachment style.
Explore Your Relationship Patterns
Attachment styles are how we interact with people. In early childhood, it refers to the interaction style between a child and parent. Later in life, attachment styles determine how you attach to others in romantic relationships, as a parent, or a friend.
A good start in identifying your style would be to explore the relationship you had with your parents as a child. Were they negligent or reliable? Who did you go to for comfort and support?
Assessing your past will give insight into patterns when choosing romantic partners.
Today, psychologists have identified four main types of attachment styles, which include:
Secure Attachment
· People with secure attachments are able to draw clear boundaries in their relationships.
· They are comfortable being alone and independent.
· They seek and maintain close, stable relationships.
· They had their needs met as children and felt safe and cared for.
Anxious Attachment
· These are people who crave intimacy and can never get enough closeness.
· They have a hard time communicating their needs directly.
· They seek security from their partner but will push him/her away.
· Their caregivers were inconsistent in attending to their needs.
Avoidant Attachment
· This group has a strong sense of independence and is extremely self-directed.
· Their caregivers were distant. As a result, they become self-reliant, afraid of disappointment from others.
· They fear abandonment and have low self-esteem.
· Their caregivers were emotionally unavailable and became more distant when the child displayed emotions.
Disorganized Attachment
· These folks are unable to regulate emotions.
· They have a deep fear of abandonment and rejection.
· They show contradictory behaviors in relationships: “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me”.
· Their caregivers were inconsistent in responding to their feelings of fear or distress.
Invest in Yourself
Once you identify relationship patterns from childhood, you can begin to heal. While external influences such as friends and family are important, perhaps the most critical player in this process is yourself.
Self-esteem plays a role in all attachment styles. When you value yourself, you easily accept love from others. But if you were mistreated or dismissed as a child, self-love can be elusive.
To heal, you can start with self-tolerance. Don’t force affirmations on yourself like, “I’m beautiful.” Instead say, “everyone, deserves to be valued.”
Prioritizing your mental health is one of the most important steps you can take in life. The rewards will seep into all areas of your life.
Establish Long-Term Relationships
Research has shown that relationship patterns are highly adaptable. An important component of creating secure attachments is to seek relationships with those who are supportive of your growth.
Establish relationships with those who have a better attachment style than your own. Then, practice becoming aware of your avoidant or anxious behaviors in a safe environment. Spending time with people who model healthy relationships will rub off on you.
A therapist can also help you on your journey.
Consider Therapy
Therapy, in itself, is a form of secure attachment. It allows you to create a bond that replicates other relationships in your life. Apart from that, quality therapy enables you to process information to help make sense of your narrative. You learn to use your past as a way forward, challenging your inner voice. With time, you will begin to develop a secure attachment.
Even if your attachment style is the blueprint for intimate relationships, you didn’t write your future yet. You can still change by learning to become more securely attached.
